Uh, h-hello. Aside from my post about the documentary Whose Streets?, it has been more than a year since I have properly written on this blog.
I just woke up one day not knowing what to write anymore. Mind-numbing activities took precedence because they didn’t involve a lot of brain power and they felt good in the moment, like eating a candy bar you know will make you feel sick the minute you gulp down the last bite. Whenever I came home from work, I wanted to shut off my brain. I was mindlessly browsing the Internet with no real destination or purpose; it was like a drug. It’s funny how we have so much information within our reach, but it sometimes blinds you from what’s really important.
I wanted to find a sweet escape from reality and avoid the looming burden of adulthood. Unfortunately adulthood is unavoidable, and I’m still barely waddling along the currents. It is difficult to prioritize my goals—which to be honest, I don’t even know anymore—and figure out how to reach them as obstacles slam into me in waves. I guess you can say I can’t find the North Star, and I’ve been struggling with this for the past year.
I have countless drafts and ideas, but no motivation to move them forward. I want to say it is fear that’s stopping me from pursuing these ideas. Not because I’m afraid of what others will think, but rather afraid of how am I going to sustain whatever it is I’m doing once the task is completed. It’s a silly fear, I know, but I guess I would rather have a filled to-do list rather than an empty one. I know, I know, ideas are just ideas, and there isn’t THE PERFECT ONE, and new ones will come along, but I think it’s that waiting period between a completion/following-through on an idea and acting upon a new idea that frightens me. It’s irrational, I know.
So that is what’s been going on with me in a nutshell. That and life events that occupied my time and made me put my career and relationships on hold. The past year I focused on buying a house with my family. This one major life event is a blessing and a curse. It made me feel so numb at one point, the feeling still haunts me today. I may write about it to reflect on the whole experience in a future post. Recently, my family has been blessed with a new family member: a cute 3-year-old cairn terrier mix named Waffles. I spam my friends on twitter with his photos.
I also reflected back on my previous posts and drafts, and started to wonder what I’m trying to say. I started out this blog just for kicks in reviewing what I’ve watched, read, or eaten. However, I came to realize I wasn’t writing anything meaningful and even I, myself, found myself wondering why were the things I saying of any value. So what? It hit me that I “say” rather than “explain,” and so I decided that I want to focus on developing my analytical skills in future posts, and bring a more meaningful conversation to the table.
I also want to sprinkle a bit of what’s been going on in my life and the garble of thoughts running through my mind… but part of me is hesitant because I keep asking myself how personal is too personal. TMI, you know? At the same time, I want to be as authentic as possible because I want you, fellow stranger whom I never met, to know the person behind the words you’re reading on your screen, and I hope my stories of my personal struggles resonate with you in some way.
For those who’ve stuck around, thank you. If you’re just passing through, please say hello or give a 👋
photo credit: Hoyin Chan. He always makes me look fabulous with his amazing photography skills. Check out his instagram.